How to write a Business Bio

I was recently asked to help someone at work write a bio for themselves. They went from telling everyone nothing to telling everyone too much. This is the outline I gave them:

In general, the order of a bio would be the following:

1. Your current position, when you started it and what you do in it
2. How your career started – including education and first jobs in the industry
3. Key Positions you’ve held over the years – whether you’ve worked at other companies and big name clients you’ve worked with
4. One personal line (where you live, if you have a family, if you have a passionate hobby, etc)

Fictional example:

[1]Garine is President of the World Complaining Society. [2]Garine began complaining at a young age and attended Generic Complaint Academy, where she honed her skills in Grumpy One Liners.

[3]Previous to her current role, Garine acted as Touchiness Manager and Director of Irritation and worked  with many distinguished clients including John, Dick, and Harry.

[4]Garine lives in Cranky, MD, where she volunteers for Perky Girls Anonymous, helping those in need of balanced cynicism.