one hand in my pocket

I get this app on Facebook called “Message From God.” Of course I know it’s not really a message from actual “God,” but a bunch of yoga students from some sunday school who put together sentences a little bit like weed-smoking fortune cookie writers.  Still, I get the update once a week and, sometimes they hit home. Like today.
My message was:

“have you been the giver for so long that you have forgotten how to receive? Allow others to give you some of the love that you give so freely. Seek a balance between your giving and your receiving.”

Ordinarily, I would just chalk this up to, yeah, right, they know I’m a woman of a certain age with ungrateful children and busy husband – part of a marketing segment. The sad truth is, it’s kind of the way I feel.  

I realized this while I was reading an excerpt from the original self-help, sell-snow-to-eskimos book, “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” The section was about remembering people’s names and listening to others so they feel important — well, I feel like I do these things, but in return, I seem to sort of get ignored. Very few people remember my name unless they have to see me everyday for several years, and I think the last time someone actually listened to me, it was the dog after I said, “Wanna go for a WALK?” – which I’m sure she only understood one word out of that sentence.

But, that is a sham of my own making. The self-pity mode on my control panel gets out of wack sometimes, and I go into overdrive.  Nobody calls me. Nobody helps me. Nobody loves me. boo hoo. poor me. I don’t get invitations very often. It’s the summer. I know about six people here (since we just moved here last winter) and three of them are on vacation. I’m also very afraid of rejection, so I don’t let anyone get too close.

Notice how I slipped that last thing in, all casual like? 

Well, there lies the rub, as William would say. 

This is some kind of psychological break through on my part, but I’m not really sure how it will help me to get invited to the neighborhood BBQ. 

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