human relations observation: clueless and immature is BETTER than mean and vindictive, yet sometimes garners the exact same results.
Today’s oxymoron practice: took a 45 minute walk, then came home & ate a sleeve of thin mints
Finding a pair of pants that fit on the clearance rack!
him: Why do you have ten pairs of black pants
her: I don’t.
him (holding up one pair): Yes you do. I see them all lined up right here.
her: They are not all black.
him: This looks like black.
her: That one is my skinny off-black.
her: And this one is my day-before-my-period very-black
her (pointing to pants one by one): This one is my very-important-business-meeting tweed-black,
sexy-out-to-dinner spandexy-black, nobody-will-see-me-at-the-grocery-store cotton-black . . .
him: ok, ok, nevermind
Really, there was a movie out about 2012 – y’know the one with my dreamboat John Cusack, where the world ended by literally falling apart. And for awhile there, it was looking a bit like that from my perch here in the ‘burbs.
But we muddled through and we sit in the middle of the road now, looking for the next apocalypse.
The truth is, every year is a whole series of tiny explosions, isn’t it? That is what we call “life” in my world. Welcome to the year of superstition, gun fear, hyper-anti-bullying, litigation for blamelessness, and the coming of the end of the world . . . again and again.
In other words, welcome home.
1. Bring up the most controversial subject you can think of. Make it one that affects you personally. Do this preferably at a dinner where there is much wine and beer being served.
2. Become highly offended by a selected word that someone else used as part of the discussion. Choose one that has a big listing in the thesaurus.
3. Make derogatory remarks about jews, blacks, hispanics, asians, or white people or chose a religion to bash (lean toward the categories you don’t fall into yourself).
4. Only allow others to say the first three or four words of each sentence before cutting them off. Assuming what they are going to say with the rest of their thought just saves time.
5. If you perceive that anyone might be disagreeing with you, accuse them of being drunk and/or crazy.
Extra tips to help you along:
– Remember, yelling makes people understand better.
– Having the very last word makes you right.
|“eh” . . .?|
* * *
I know you are just dying to actually hear it said out loud, now that I’ve gone through this whole crazy explanation! Click here for that:
My son looked out the window just now and said, “I’m so depressed!”
He has a good reason.
It is the last day of school. A half day. First day of summer. . . . and it’s raining.
The big plan was to get everyone out to the playground near us that is made entirely of old tires. It’s a pretty cool place. The girl scout troop and other friends were all coming and now?
Guess, what? They are coming to MY HOUSE instead.
and now, the boy says, “What a rip off!”
. . . out of the mouths’ of babes.